Crazy days and even crazier nights as we try to prepare the next phase in our lives.
First off, I do not think thar Nut-Nut will be leaving us anytime soon. I might be wrong and I hope that I am, but her behavior lately has been less than exemplary. I would suggest that she sees a trained professionial to re-intergrate her into the Western world. Perhaps even a pyschological assessment to see that while in utero,no damage was done to key learning centers.
Her mother is trying to take the right steps in escaping from the Gulag. Her father is bent on remaining a warlord. However, as the prime care giver, I have reservations that a Soviet spy will be the best for Nut-Nut. I have reservations that old patterns and habits won’t resurface. Her current partner that she shares a room with in the Gulag prison drinks to excess. He might even dabble with drugs. I do not know.
Nut-Nut comes home after her whirlwind visits, exhausted and generally, by the next morning is very cranky. She hits at being a spy for an international organization, but at the same time, tells me that she misses the jungle and the freedom that it presents. “You have too many rules” she says. Her god is not my God.
We took her to see a new home that we are buying and she was amazed that people could move so freely. “In my village, one hut fills with many generations”, she told us. I told her that here in the West, while we valued our “generations” that we preferred to experience and live life on our own.
After seeing some of her “generations” I realize that she doesn’t have to be living with them for them to be with her. Spirits have attached themselves to her, from the jungle, from life in the Gulag. She claims she doesn’t remember life in the Gulag and apparently, that is where the abuse took place. She has pushed it away but the spirits haven’t.
The warlord gives her presents, trying desperately to prove his affection. This thrills Nut-Nut to no end but we have become afraid that it sends the wrong signal, the wrong meaning of what love is and how it is expressed.
Everyday the foster parent experience is new, rewarding and challenging. As Nut-Nut grows and changes, we are marveled at the distinctness of cultures. Moments of joy replaced just as quickly with moments of frustration. Inner beauty being replaced by outward ugliness of spirit. Nut-Nut continues to respond to her surrounding cautiously, and rightly so, but as days progress, I see a little girl that just needs a lot of love.